ravenous for change

My gums are breaking -
Feeling what the teeth always felt but
Now

And this chest clenches at every glare and step too fast on the escalator ride
And I can't even tell you

Theu raced like jaguars to the source but source is not what I know
Where are you going!?
Why are you in such a hurry?

So i wait
And watch
And try not to ingest any of the karmic energy surrounding

I dig fitlessly in bag-
Hands reaching my teeny bottle of supposed support
Yarrow in essense and boundaries are tamed and caged

I said, I will wait until nobody is surrounding me. Then surely I will he safe

I drew bubbles around my core and he laughed at me as he squeezed theough it

And i laughed too.

When did I get so fucking sensitive?

The lights and the sounds are aching all parts of me

The food doesnt taste good anymore and it's all stress inside when I try to breathe  

She says, hold caution do not choke,like she doesnt trust this body she's lived in for 26 years.

How can she not trust that which just is?

So she cries at intervals in the day
When the black and white striped wall is too intense
And when lunch looks delicious but no, not today, not today since Something is so terribly wrong.

And she cries at the hand holding and hugs necessary to remind her that she is safe and to remind her that this isn't forever.

The gums don't bleed but they reek of sore spots and I recall too many memories where you held my teeth outside my body

And this gives real anxiety too.

It all does.

But today I ate a whole sandwich and progress is something
Even if there are many steps backwards before the breakthrough.

Nobody likes to be not in control.


My stomach is ravenous

It will be soon i say to it,
So soon,

But mot yet, today has been hard.

new moon in AV

The poppy pod shook in our hands,
ears remembering lifetimes and oh darling, how we must contain multitudes!

Seeds pouring into the deep red wine.
floating on the surface,
magic beings, black specks in a sea of Bordeaux.

She anointed my third eye with this mixture,
My body quivered,
There is more love to be given.

The angels sing to us, calling us from our depths.

Divine sparks lit in circles and the deep carnations spiraled beyond.

There is a temple,
and it could be you.

if only you let the light shine through the cracks in your foundation.

We stole stones,
held them to heart,
head,
vagina.

White light combing our insides and the world beyond fell away.

Deepening,
deepening to source.

Until the drum beats become your heart beats and your heart beat becomes the drum.

I wept as I returned all grief to soil,
we are only vessels,
moving energy within and without.

It is clear,
too clear to me now.

and remember the deep love within,
and remember your name,
your archetype and your month.

Who are you dear sister? Where do you show up for us in this circle?

The sweet smell of rose water awoke us all back into this dimension,
chocolate treats and candies grounding us down.

down.
down,
to mama,
and perhaps farther.

Where is the body if it is not lost fully within you?!

The moon didn't shine tonight, the air is wet, the dark is strong.

When I wept, the skies opened up

we couldn't be more connected,

like the snapped twig,
and my twitch.

step slower into the month of AV,
breathe in and let the toxins ride out into the sweat glands.

We don't need anything else but these remembrances,
and then some.

prayer, or something more?

Prayer is you here with me, hands held, heart racing less than it usually does.
You love my hands on your stomach, my head on your chest.

In my dreams, I am always in a field, full of flowers, prancing, somewhere...

You are never with me, but somewhere beyond, holding space for all my play and pray and awe.

In my heart you are always brightening, learning, evolving into your truest self.

In my hands, you are whole, even when you acknowledge uncertainty and frustration.

I sometimes wonder, could we ever hold ritual together,
What would it mean to honor and behold divine, if we were bringing her majesty in at the same time.

And then I think, I don't need you to bring it, just honor me, as I hold space for all the love in the universe.

This is the quest of body, soul, mind and action.
Actually, I was just going to do, and not ask, and I'd rather not ask, but tell, and you just have to honor me, as you do, forever.

I am not so different, but I see awe in the fear and the fear in the awe and I live in a constant state of all the veils co-mingling.

When you hold me, we sway, somewhere, maybe not even together, but our hands don't ever want to part, and your eyes always glow for me, although I'm still not sure you really do notice.

And if you did notice, you might be scared.
Because reality is racing fast, and you are still in the driver's seat, and I still stare excitedly out the window as the trees pass by and as you graze my thigh I think many thoughts,
and words try to escape my lips,

but I never let them,

because then more than prayer would escape,
and maybe we can't hold it, while we drive too fast on the highway.

Look me in the eyes,
hold my body and my soul,
and whisper sweetness,
whatever you feel,
anything to say to me,

What your eyes do everyday.

Beloved.

I close my eyes and a million screams storm from my sacral core.

No,
No
No
NO
NOO

louder and louder and louder than before.

Reverberations of generations, energy tingling,
loosening?

Nerve endings uncertain.

I close my eyes and try to remember when it all closed around my deepest yearn

and all I see is black,
and you begging me, filled with concern,

"There is so much to protect!"

Yes.

I close my eyes and try to listen to the cells within, the ones that know all my answers before I ever do,
the ones that say, 'listen to me! I know how to untangle!'

But the cells are muted,
something is off.

My ancestors screamed fears out of me,
haunted and tortured by pleasure-less acts,
and I sit in the office,
questioning everything,

since I am so far removed,
but you live inside me,
and nothing can be changed without acceptance.

What do you not want me to know?!
What do I not want to know?

What is this control that takes over, so afraid of the full rush of life within!

And so I close my eyes and cry.

And release is release but it's not been waterfall gush as I anticipated, as I wrote for us,
for me,
for my own healing.

Passion and heartbreak are one thing,
but this is life-force energy,

and I need to re-think.
---
I called you beloved,
because you are the only one who can make me feel so solidly certain in this world.

remembering the rock and the stars and my body melting on it so purely in love with your divinity.

Call me lover and I will remember.

I am inside of you, as you reside in me.

xo

musings.

The moon glows in the corner of my bedroom,

resting on moroccan pillows,
black tassels and copal.

I toss and turn in bed,
air is blasting but I prefer the cool, sweet heat of the summer's eve.

A birdcage sits on my table,
marigolds within.
I'm wondering how to make something flutter and fly that doesn't believe it can,

and then you.

You are sitting far off,
slumped over screen,
head heavy,
uncertain,
waiting.

And I am here in the moonlight glow,
when your mind is ready to be taken to another land.

The land where we believe in miracles,
where my marigold chains dance circles to the drum beats,

always in the far off distance.

yet
I suppose I take you there anytime we hold hands,
or caress your olive skin on mine.

-

The buffalo holds strength, that is why I shot it and pulled out it's teeth.

It's always yearning for what the other holds,
but this time,

I am laying on the fertile ground.

held

So deeply held by mama and by papa, and by the mystical glow of the plastic moon.

-

So remember me when we might not be so entwined.
When your heart beats fast next to another's or
when you catch a glimpse of a too-ripe rose.

I am in it, within it,
loving you always.

-

Two yellow butterflies swirled in the noon-day - chasing each other out of pure delight,
I watched with dreamy eyes, unsure if this was a planned show just for me.

And I rather hope it was, since little moments of full surprise cease when we stop to recognize them,
and I will always recognize you in your yellow hue.

-

She always said she was happy,
but now I am starting to bite those words.

And my teeth are not as strong as the buffalo's,
jaw clenching, wondering if maybe, these were the wrong words.
Swallowing black chunks of anger -
where do they go if they do not rest on the tongue?

How does one spit fire and not get burned?

What does it feel like to not hold tension in the throat?

And so I have to backtrack many moons,
following this pattern to source,
asking my ancestors why they blew themselves up from the inside,

and I fear the answer will be the only one I know.

fear.

-

So when the moon is new, baby circles in the sky, darkness swallowing all light,
there is room for change, again.

We can blame her, but we cannot change her.

and

these are the musings for this Saturday.

light pinks

Light pink hues and sugar crystals on my chest.

I could tell you that I've been here before, and have seen the transition of love and honor,

but I haven't.

This is new.

I learned today that I am better than the sum of my parts and always have been,
but now I know it.

This is the secret:
Slow down.

divine love comes slowly and beautifully through the open window,

so open your window!

and this heart.

caged hummingbirds and don't you know you must remember

When things shift they shift so far you can't remember where you came from.

And I don't want to remember,
but I hosted parties two weekends in a row,

and people enjoy.

Laughs and food and sometimes something so simple as a hug.

It's all so different now.

And I still invited you, 2.5 years later, and anxiously awaited your arrival.

And some things never shift.

The light is dimming,
and people are gathering,
and cigarette daydreams keep me in a nostalgia of something I never had,
but could have.

This dream.

My dream.

Today was exactly what I wanted.

Even when the sun forgot to rise,
even when the sun forgot.

You see,
It's not about the other and my work and my change is so extreme.

So beautiful.

You are so beautiful.

You are still so god-damn beautiful.
---
I woke up restless.
Your body warm against mine, yet we both tossed and turned until I could not take it any longer.

There is a racing heart. It needed to move.

You wake up 2 hours later,
to see how to help,
or if you are one.

You confuse me, my love.
You confuse me in the best way possible.

You say to me, I've captured you, and I love when you hold me tight - taught -anything!

What a day of motion.

Of dreams of hummingbirds and the cutest little puppies - and parties together - we all chase something adorable or we let something beautiful go - it depends on how much you love it, I guess.

You should never keep the rare hummingbird in a cage...
and we all know this.

You know it more than me.

tears now.
and I think we know why,
but when people come back into my life, people as special as you dear soul,
it makes everything come back into question,  it's just the same feeling as when I saw your face gaze upon mine,
in the late Spring, at the farm, with the candles, and the song.

And maybe that's just a side -story.

It helped me though a lot you know,

but you don't know.

Or maybe it will all catch up to be one.

one.

one.

or none.

time keeps us heavily aware of things that happened and things that never will,
but somewhere in between this mystery is something so intriguing,
and I will dance this beautiful dance forever, whether you dance with me or not!

April. Twenty.

The needles pinched behind my ears,
stagnation,
phlegm,
bloody words,
mixed emotion.

I tremble as I write,
truths.

When I call you,
it's like nothing has changed.

I need change.

We say, you have healed this shattered heart,
but no,

I healed this shattered heart.

You held me,
as I glued the pieces,

but I turned on the hot glue gun and went to work.

You did not.

You do not know what I went through, you don't ask me about it,
you don't really ask me about much,
ever.

So I keep talking to fill the spaces,
and silence is nice,
and your words would be refreshing, if ever they learned how to play in the light,
but they won't,
for a very long time,
and I don't wait for miracles.

It's waiting for sunrise at sunset,
and we might just be more opposite than alike,
even though we both like nice things and laugh a lot,
together.

Wondering,
when,
you will make me a priority...
and also so excited for your growth,
and change,
and so understanding of why
you are less involved.

It doesn't seem like a worthy excuse though,
and I'm lingering on it,
since I see your habits.

and you could call me
or something
like that,

but like I said before,
nobody uses the call button anymore,

and I am craving a fucking good tiki drink,
but nobody reads what I love anyways,

so would you know?


craving more,
craving something that is so beautiful I can't even imagine,
and then knowing that it will be like that someday makes it all feel a little less pressured filled,
since I am here,
so beautiful,
so loved,
so full,

in this moment.

so stop with the worry and the mind games,
since life doesn't work that way,
it works in alignment in balance,
and I need to balance myself,

as I am,

this week,

knowing that even if it all toppled  I could still walk straight on this tightrope, and I'll never fall again like I did, because I know what I need,

and I know what my heart looks like broken,

and even more-so,
what it looks like whole!

more than most can say

shut up.

it's photos running through my head like where do I even store those perfect tattooed girls?
I see fur and I see table settings and I see all the inspiration flooding but I never feel like it's mine.

Hold On and Shut Up.

Something is streaming through and peeking out those pink ranunculas. Yes on black.

Something else is neither here nor there and words do so much to my psyche.

re-read, and tell me I'm really here.

If I didn't write this then who did? And then you get my drift, since we all are far more than these shells and mine is opening and opening to a far greater trancen-dance and there is color there and also something called money.

So

It's just the way it has to be hon.

We are not elusive, or reclusive and someway it's working in the beautiful space way we believed it would.

But stop staring and shut up, since this isn't anything you could have planned.

Okay, remember when we said I could close my eyes and envision anything I wanted?

So this is the time it matters.

It's open and clear and flow and blah blah blah we can say all these woo words but it's real so just let go.

and I am, don't tell me I'm not.

Okay, so be in the silent quietude, the irony of two words that sound the same and mean the same thing but are spelled different.

Just be.

and in this, your hamsas and gold hands will do the work.

talisman, my talisman, be my super and my guide.

Okay.

They all talk to me when I notice them, so just turn, and shut up.

or open that third mouth, the one that tries to shut it down, the one that second guesses and says I don't know enough, and shit, I'm not loud enough, or boy oh boy did I just say that?

YEAH, YOU SAID THAT!

And it felt so good.

IT FELT SO GOOD TO SCREAM.
and throw things,
so shut up
and just do it like you want to, since stagnation is a dis-ease and ill fit for you.

BIG.SO.BIG.SO UNBELIEVABLY BIG.

what is?

How far you've come.
How much you've learned.

Your ownership of your body and your mind.

So take that, and say,

YES. I'm exactly here.

so ground in the here,
  and that's more than most can say.

Circle of Life

But last time we were just missing two pieces.

Did I miscalculate?

Hormones raging -
tears streaming

oceans are over salted
and I never add enough Sriracha.

Bang, bang.

I held a gun,
nothing to it.

What if we never spoke again?

Thoughts haunting me.

You are here.

So what makes it so hard to say, "I am in this for good."

?

So many questions.

linger here a beat.

Friends seem to fall away faster than the peel on an overripe banana,
but we learned to spell banana the same way,

well

SHIT.

exactly.

and so many similarities.

Look beyond.
into more.

light stream and caves
and I will miss you I know.

I already miss you before I have even left.

And this skins me madly to the bone.

hips,
thighs.
knees,
feet.

It all aches, and health is somewhere out of grasp,
but with you, my heart skips again,
and
I
have
chosen that feeling over it all.

truth.
and more truths.

Since we don't lie,
it's not a good look, and we care about image.

soul work

It's all blurs and streaks of wretched concrete -
nobody looks up,
nobody smiles.

They try to sell you something you don't need,
or maybe you do...

and nobody seems trust worthy -

I see their eyes, gazing,
not knowing if they are looking at me,
through me,
or if they are even alive!

Where is the soul nowadays?

And then the worst thought pops in my head,

"What is the point, anyways?"

and I shiver.

This must be what they all think,
and staring at them for too long imbued me with the same feeling -

No.

Shake it off,
close your eyes,
look within.

But the train zips and curves,
and everything is moving too fast, but nothing is actually moving within.

I try to envision every one in the world frolicking in flower fields, and dancing wildly in the mid-summer heat.

Then I think, I wonder if that could ever happen?

How does one get pulled from not knowing to KNOWING?!

Isn't this my work?

soul work at it's core,

and yet I can't even look at the sad, depressed, hardened faces on the subway anymore -

it tears at me.

They tear through me.

He said, "you are a slut.."
as I walked by,
and now streets are not safe to walk down anymore,

because voices are loud, and louder than my own.

Own this voice!

Own this body!

Own this beauty that I know and know to my depths!

And when I said, what is the point anyways, it pained me more than I knew possible,
since I don't want to become hardened like the rest.

These wonder eyes, are wonder-filled for reasons,
and they twinkle and glow in all light,
even at night,

even when you say terrible things,
even when you smell like piss and cat hair,
even when you can't find boundaries since nobody taught you,

and this that truth.

soul work is work,
and I go to work everyday,
do you?

nobody knows shit

"You are all there is
all there was" -

'within me infinity.'

but tell me what you want?

what do I want?

That is the issue.

I literally can't always tell you, but you massaged my leg and we are finally getting somewhere.

somewhere,

but where?

and then you say, you just don't know where you will be.

And I don't get sad,
since I knew this all along.

And I don't feel stressed since you make everything easeful.

And I still wish you could get up in the morning -

and that just comes with time and growth

and I'm wondering if I'm waiting or stalling,

or just living right now, right here,
because I still have so much to explore with you.

one year is marking fast,
and I don't recall us knowing much about this leg of the journey -
it comes with more weight,
more questions,
more digging.

And feelings get can hurt here in this year,
because a year is golden,
and the second is heavy but solid,
and the third is strength
and knowing.

and I don't want to over-analyze -
or pretend I know more than I do -
none of us know shit.

that I know.

So snuggle me tighter - and when I tell you I'm afraid to just let go because I don't want you to be bored, you say, let go, and then you don't know where to go - and you're lost and confused,
and the map is nowhere to be found since I threw it out since I didn't like the way it was going and I just decided you needed to know that

and then,
I cry.

and tears tell me I am angry
so I tell you that - and I cannot express anything else -
and you can't either -
but I still want you close -
since I'm not so mad,
and it's more at myself for not learning how to find the proper route
how would you know?

how would you know?

nobody knows shit anymore.

that I know.

and I do know it's easy - but maybe it's too easy - since difficult conversations don't come up much -

so where to go?

go inside.

inside your own infinity -
and in there lie all the answers and all the questions and all the spaces in between.

Feb 20. Day 1.

Rain srop splatterings and all I can hear is the troubles of all sureounding me.
Dissolve the sickness - dead beat spirit- what has us all learching inside and why dows bobody amile authentic smiles anymore.

We don't want to be here.

It's wet and cold
Inside and out

And all I can hear is your voice within me-and you bring sunshine to this dreary moment.

I am tired and want to hug you.

Unsure of the authenticity in which I an showing up and how do I be here in this place when I rather feel estranged from the emotions!

Gnarly knots come undone in this energetic field -
So don't worry it will come find you and soon!

Gentle dream wanderings and maybe everything will be okay afterall!

We really can't tell now and the rain and the wind are suggesting a big shift -
But how and when ?
And that is all.

Teeth drop out of mouth like candies into coin hands and
I'm remembering and forgetting everything -
And so I will keep learning anew-
But the rain is triggering me in a way I didn't know I could be
I like ease and this is certainly not ease-
This is rush, this is cold, this is hard

Day 1 and my head is alive but body so sore and wondwring how much soree it will get before it all remembers how beautiful it can be
And then it does
What it always should have
And the rain subsidies
And warrior is once more branded easily upon heart

Here

And shush child
Nothing makes sense but this bungalow is shaking and a lot!

Amalgamation. Return. And reborn.

This giddy- heart bust feeling has me swirling in time and cravings and I won't look back now.
When we say we want things we make them happen
And then surely words flow out like sweet humming bird song
And they always said you sing well -

Well?

I leeched oit all the gunk - swore my broken beads into my leather pouch and stomped
On the feathers,
Still

Fear
Held
On

And then,
5
6
7
There was no more holding on to numbing - paralyzing - anesthetic thought

Drain

Low

Down

Gone.

And then zoom zoom back out I rode into your heart and swung on the trees and branches woth you
We hug more passionately now

Your lios lock my lips tighter

Your eyes gaze deeper
-
Somehow.

And this is all i've learned.

That fear is toxic
Anxiety the enabler
Caution is swinging on roped barefoot
And who knows -
Falling can be perfect
Or splat
And we just never know

How can we?

So jump, frolick and order mad expensive clothing online
Since happiness is heart truths and knowing what makes you skip again.

And your laugh makes me laugh
And your heart makes me smile
And you say to me, "I love it when you smile."

And then I want to cry, since hearing this is all I've craveand asking dor words is like pulling adult teeth
And yours are all grown up,
But teeth is metaphor for me all year
And I need more
And I asked
And I shared

And we challenge
And we pull
And we grasp
And we don't want to let go

And that's the sign right there

So I bought the wors, warrior, branded upon my breasts
And it seems only fitting,
And life is a gas
A blast
And a whole lot of mind thought and fog
And then
Suddenly it all clears
And makes sk much sense

And you feel like your truest self again
The self you thought you lost and never could have back,

The self that you thought coukd never amalgamate and co-exist in in this one body,

And then,
At once,
It's just all so clear and all so easy
And flowers and leather and really high heels are the thoughts of the night
And you,
You,
Sweet you,
Delight and excite
Throughout every night. 

Closure

Epidermis background and that's really all the texture there has been so far -
something cracked so deep

and the hole is mending

slowly.

---

Today I could not wake up.

No.

Another piece of me lost underneath the bed sheet - and it's always hard to find when the dreams of the night star you in them.

And oh boy did we speak.

Telephone chatter and I was curious.

but this has to stop.

We said words - forgot the damage that was made years ago-
and a thank you is all there is now.

Congrats we say -
we chose wisely.

Or maybe it chose us, and we had nothing to do with the anger or the kicking stomach.

I'd rather believe it never happened,
and it almost feels as if nothing did when your messages to me smell sweet like roses,
the ones that you picked from our yard and handed to me -
your romantic gestures always pissing me off since they didn't include money-

and now -
I miss them.

I never did miss you.

But anger hardens shells -
and something cracked yesterday,
and wide.

or maybe it's just that you are too good with words like you always were, and all this is facade and I don't know anything behind the curtain.

and yes, this too could be the feeling.

So I couldn't get out of bed since something is stirring in me.

Questions and motivations all so insecure
and I couldn't decide what street to go down yesterday so I just kept going straight since nothing was making sense- no nothing at all.

And then I came home and said, "do not over think things, live simply and with ease."

So I am trying to not think -
to not over think -
analyze all these emotions
since I am spinning and fast
and nothing got me grounded today besides the benedryl and I use it too often to cover my anxiety -

easy, easy, easy.

And I ask if I can read your writing -
and maybe is all I get,

and maybe is all I am feeling  from you right now for everything -
so unsure of what we are - and how we got this far.

And I only ever wanted to learn to breathe together -

but bitterness comes, and I feel it leaching,
and I love so much,
and the pain is there,
and if only I could communicate out of swollen glands and throat I would -
but I fear all that comes after -
and I keep saying,
there is never time.


Never time,
so I couldn't get out of bed,
since we had closure and it took 1.5 years
and my body is saying
wow.
finally.

let go.

breathe.
cry.
release.

swear.
throw things.

it's been so long -
too long of holding onto fire.

and I have to wake up to now -
now
now
now

or I fear it will be too late.

Sage medicine for a modern story

Hush child,
Don't weep yourself into a puddle.

Dissolving is easier than mopping up dirtied water and I don't have time to clean.

Run outside in your flowerprint cotton tunic,
Let your fingers graze the grasses and the raw baby dandelions ready to be plucked.

Put earth into your mouth little one,
Swallow it like you swallow sun, and then tell me you feel a little bit better.

We all hurt madly.

Pain is severe in the young ones these days - trauma hymns are sung too loud, I've heard every tune and still none I like more than my own.

Rough days will come they said.

And better days always lay ahead.

Just as the stars hide in the sky, so too, does eternal love live within you, cheerfully invisible but oh so deliciously present.

And yes, I also cry at night when I remember the longings and the grief.

But I pray for the ants and the seahorses and the specks of dust on my unswept floor.

And trivial matters become giants when we focus in our lens,

Unwind your scope,

Celebrate small victories.

Birthday cards and candles,
Kiss pecks on a newborn's head.

I delight in you little one as you run around in the field,
As you question and whine,
As you become shocked and terrified.

And yes, these are perfect feelings too,
But dissolving into light is much better,
And you know, I don't like to clean.

Leave the petals strewn on your soaked pillow,
Unleash and unfurl.
Pick up your string instrument,
Tune it and then break it.

Jealously lives in the desire to hold on to something, but we are the ones that are being held on to

By the great and passionate creator.

Let yourself be held,
Do not cling to the handlebars,
only callouses show us how much we think we care.

But even the softest hands lose control when you start to push them on the swing.

Little one, laugh inside your caugh and phlem.
Own your future and your breath.
The worms will show you how to recycle soiled wounds into life

And then,
Oh and then,
Surely your tears will dry. 

The Soul of Rumi

He says, "we are misquoted texts, made right when you say us."
and
we are returning.
Leave the rind and descend into the pith.
It is sweet and sour and no soap can take away your stickiness.
Fill with gratitude, chew a piece of sugarcane!

I am in love with the one to whom everything belongs!


Listen to the voice that says, it was for you I created the universe, then kill and be killed in love.

What is love?
He says, "love comes with a knife."
There are love stories and then there is obliteration into love!
Live that laughing silence of falling so madly in love.
Laughter is the lover's way!
yet, sometimes in the mad-house they gnaw on their chains -
This world is drenched with that drowning.

He says, "you must dive naked deeper, under, a thousand times deeper!"

some knots tighten, some loosen -
Open completely!
Lukewarm won't do : You're infinitely more alive.

You know, a lover doesn't fit in groups very well or with himself.

If you would just soak again the evening sky your garnet red,
then each candle moment could call upon new moths,
and I could pick a pick pocket's pocket.

I hurt and have sharp desire.

You cannot imagine how little it matters to me what people say!

My words are fire.
I have nothing to do with being famous or making grand judgements or know of shame.
When one of those generous ones invites you into his fire, go quickly!
Don't say,
"But will it burn me?
will it hurt?"

Gazelle and lioness walking together, soul light and sun, the same.You are the truth from foot to brow, now what else would you like to know?

I'll tell you, God-lovers, mostly in another world, read another book, with another eye,

So don't insist on going where you think you want to go, ask the way to the spring!
These sweet-jelly eyes we see with were so skillfully devised -
I could tell you your faces are very beautiful,
but they are wooden cages.
Would you believe me?

Don't search for one of your names, move beyond attachment to names.
Be ground, be crumbled, so wildflowers will come up where you are.

Work in the invisible world, he says,
even more than you do in this world.

Then you will know what love is!
And how to drown fully - as your breath increases - and fire is only fire when you burn yourself fully from within.

He says , "I am every spark, and every soul, and all the sugar in the world couldn't bribe me to leave your side."

And this is,
the soul,

of Rumi.

and the soul of all I know within,

and my lover is my beloved, and my beloved is my bone and blood - soul and organ - trash and treasure.

and love is love and love is less than the sum of it's parts - since it means nothing unless you feel YAH streaming through your veins!

are we home yet?

"Thanks," I said.

And I really meant it.

You laugh it off, but I think that's all you know how to do.

The way you hold me makes me know you care more than you might ever be able to say.

And I wonder, if maybe just once, you could let out the words for a coo.

Something tells me there is more to it,
something that pins the words to the inside of your heart,
and maybe,

maybe,

it's just me.

I wonder.

I do always wonder.

We spent the day cuddled, laughing, loving.

Your grandma hugged me and told me I was cute.

She wins though.

I don't even want to write this since it always seems like a dream but the purple sky last night made it clear to me that this is more than I ever thought it was.

I teared,
but you didn't notice.

The night was upon us, driving snaky roads and the fog lifts our hearts.
We sang out just like I always loved,
and in this moment,

no matter what the silence is before or after, I feel a heart skip and it won't stop skipping.

And then later,
in bed,

my heart fluttered and so fast.
I didn't want to listen to the shrill since it told me how much I care
and I do, and I do, and I say thanks because that's what I know how to say.

Always wondering if it is you or me,
and I think it's the both of us - still petrified and still so delighted.

You bought me a chocolate bar.

I don't know why.

It's minty and I like it but it's got no texture, it's filled with air, and I wonder,

is it metaphor again?

& &

I just want to buy things for my home.

I want home.

I want you.

I want you in my home,
then
I think
I will know.

...

laughter and something more

and we laugh so easily.

shh,

sugar rub my soul,

adorn me with giggles and pure light.

It only flows when it knows how to,

and we know how to,

be
in
flow.

and we laugh so easily,
and I wonder how I could have ever not laughed.

Because this is so real
and beautiful
and something so refreshing.