Closure

Epidermis background and that's really all the texture there has been so far -
something cracked so deep

and the hole is mending

slowly.

---

Today I could not wake up.

No.

Another piece of me lost underneath the bed sheet - and it's always hard to find when the dreams of the night star you in them.

And oh boy did we speak.

Telephone chatter and I was curious.

but this has to stop.

We said words - forgot the damage that was made years ago-
and a thank you is all there is now.

Congrats we say -
we chose wisely.

Or maybe it chose us, and we had nothing to do with the anger or the kicking stomach.

I'd rather believe it never happened,
and it almost feels as if nothing did when your messages to me smell sweet like roses,
the ones that you picked from our yard and handed to me -
your romantic gestures always pissing me off since they didn't include money-

and now -
I miss them.

I never did miss you.

But anger hardens shells -
and something cracked yesterday,
and wide.

or maybe it's just that you are too good with words like you always were, and all this is facade and I don't know anything behind the curtain.

and yes, this too could be the feeling.

So I couldn't get out of bed since something is stirring in me.

Questions and motivations all so insecure
and I couldn't decide what street to go down yesterday so I just kept going straight since nothing was making sense- no nothing at all.

And then I came home and said, "do not over think things, live simply and with ease."

So I am trying to not think -
to not over think -
analyze all these emotions
since I am spinning and fast
and nothing got me grounded today besides the benedryl and I use it too often to cover my anxiety -

easy, easy, easy.

And I ask if I can read your writing -
and maybe is all I get,

and maybe is all I am feeling  from you right now for everything -
so unsure of what we are - and how we got this far.

And I only ever wanted to learn to breathe together -

but bitterness comes, and I feel it leaching,
and I love so much,
and the pain is there,
and if only I could communicate out of swollen glands and throat I would -
but I fear all that comes after -
and I keep saying,
there is never time.


Never time,
so I couldn't get out of bed,
since we had closure and it took 1.5 years
and my body is saying
wow.
finally.

let go.

breathe.
cry.
release.

swear.
throw things.

it's been so long -
too long of holding onto fire.

and I have to wake up to now -
now
now
now

or I fear it will be too late.