caged hummingbirds and don't you know you must remember

When things shift they shift so far you can't remember where you came from.

And I don't want to remember,
but I hosted parties two weekends in a row,

and people enjoy.

Laughs and food and sometimes something so simple as a hug.

It's all so different now.

And I still invited you, 2.5 years later, and anxiously awaited your arrival.

And some things never shift.

The light is dimming,
and people are gathering,
and cigarette daydreams keep me in a nostalgia of something I never had,
but could have.

This dream.

My dream.

Today was exactly what I wanted.

Even when the sun forgot to rise,
even when the sun forgot.

You see,
It's not about the other and my work and my change is so extreme.

So beautiful.

You are so beautiful.

You are still so god-damn beautiful.
---
I woke up restless.
Your body warm against mine, yet we both tossed and turned until I could not take it any longer.

There is a racing heart. It needed to move.

You wake up 2 hours later,
to see how to help,
or if you are one.

You confuse me, my love.
You confuse me in the best way possible.

You say to me, I've captured you, and I love when you hold me tight - taught -anything!

What a day of motion.

Of dreams of hummingbirds and the cutest little puppies - and parties together - we all chase something adorable or we let something beautiful go - it depends on how much you love it, I guess.

You should never keep the rare hummingbird in a cage...
and we all know this.

You know it more than me.

tears now.
and I think we know why,
but when people come back into my life, people as special as you dear soul,
it makes everything come back into question,  it's just the same feeling as when I saw your face gaze upon mine,
in the late Spring, at the farm, with the candles, and the song.

And maybe that's just a side -story.

It helped me though a lot you know,

but you don't know.

Or maybe it will all catch up to be one.

one.

one.

or none.

time keeps us heavily aware of things that happened and things that never will,
but somewhere in between this mystery is something so intriguing,
and I will dance this beautiful dance forever, whether you dance with me or not!

April. Twenty.

The needles pinched behind my ears,
stagnation,
phlegm,
bloody words,
mixed emotion.

I tremble as I write,
truths.

When I call you,
it's like nothing has changed.

I need change.

We say, you have healed this shattered heart,
but no,

I healed this shattered heart.

You held me,
as I glued the pieces,

but I turned on the hot glue gun and went to work.

You did not.

You do not know what I went through, you don't ask me about it,
you don't really ask me about much,
ever.

So I keep talking to fill the spaces,
and silence is nice,
and your words would be refreshing, if ever they learned how to play in the light,
but they won't,
for a very long time,
and I don't wait for miracles.

It's waiting for sunrise at sunset,
and we might just be more opposite than alike,
even though we both like nice things and laugh a lot,
together.

Wondering,
when,
you will make me a priority...
and also so excited for your growth,
and change,
and so understanding of why
you are less involved.

It doesn't seem like a worthy excuse though,
and I'm lingering on it,
since I see your habits.

and you could call me
or something
like that,

but like I said before,
nobody uses the call button anymore,

and I am craving a fucking good tiki drink,
but nobody reads what I love anyways,

so would you know?


craving more,
craving something that is so beautiful I can't even imagine,
and then knowing that it will be like that someday makes it all feel a little less pressured filled,
since I am here,
so beautiful,
so loved,
so full,

in this moment.

so stop with the worry and the mind games,
since life doesn't work that way,
it works in alignment in balance,
and I need to balance myself,

as I am,

this week,

knowing that even if it all toppled  I could still walk straight on this tightrope, and I'll never fall again like I did, because I know what I need,

and I know what my heart looks like broken,

and even more-so,
what it looks like whole!

more than most can say

shut up.

it's photos running through my head like where do I even store those perfect tattooed girls?
I see fur and I see table settings and I see all the inspiration flooding but I never feel like it's mine.

Hold On and Shut Up.

Something is streaming through and peeking out those pink ranunculas. Yes on black.

Something else is neither here nor there and words do so much to my psyche.

re-read, and tell me I'm really here.

If I didn't write this then who did? And then you get my drift, since we all are far more than these shells and mine is opening and opening to a far greater trancen-dance and there is color there and also something called money.

So

It's just the way it has to be hon.

We are not elusive, or reclusive and someway it's working in the beautiful space way we believed it would.

But stop staring and shut up, since this isn't anything you could have planned.

Okay, remember when we said I could close my eyes and envision anything I wanted?

So this is the time it matters.

It's open and clear and flow and blah blah blah we can say all these woo words but it's real so just let go.

and I am, don't tell me I'm not.

Okay, so be in the silent quietude, the irony of two words that sound the same and mean the same thing but are spelled different.

Just be.

and in this, your hamsas and gold hands will do the work.

talisman, my talisman, be my super and my guide.

Okay.

They all talk to me when I notice them, so just turn, and shut up.

or open that third mouth, the one that tries to shut it down, the one that second guesses and says I don't know enough, and shit, I'm not loud enough, or boy oh boy did I just say that?

YEAH, YOU SAID THAT!

And it felt so good.

IT FELT SO GOOD TO SCREAM.
and throw things,
so shut up
and just do it like you want to, since stagnation is a dis-ease and ill fit for you.

BIG.SO.BIG.SO UNBELIEVABLY BIG.

what is?

How far you've come.
How much you've learned.

Your ownership of your body and your mind.

So take that, and say,

YES. I'm exactly here.

so ground in the here,
  and that's more than most can say.

Circle of Life

But last time we were just missing two pieces.

Did I miscalculate?

Hormones raging -
tears streaming

oceans are over salted
and I never add enough Sriracha.

Bang, bang.

I held a gun,
nothing to it.

What if we never spoke again?

Thoughts haunting me.

You are here.

So what makes it so hard to say, "I am in this for good."

?

So many questions.

linger here a beat.

Friends seem to fall away faster than the peel on an overripe banana,
but we learned to spell banana the same way,

well

SHIT.

exactly.

and so many similarities.

Look beyond.
into more.

light stream and caves
and I will miss you I know.

I already miss you before I have even left.

And this skins me madly to the bone.

hips,
thighs.
knees,
feet.

It all aches, and health is somewhere out of grasp,
but with you, my heart skips again,
and
I
have
chosen that feeling over it all.

truth.
and more truths.

Since we don't lie,
it's not a good look, and we care about image.

soul work

It's all blurs and streaks of wretched concrete -
nobody looks up,
nobody smiles.

They try to sell you something you don't need,
or maybe you do...

and nobody seems trust worthy -

I see their eyes, gazing,
not knowing if they are looking at me,
through me,
or if they are even alive!

Where is the soul nowadays?

And then the worst thought pops in my head,

"What is the point, anyways?"

and I shiver.

This must be what they all think,
and staring at them for too long imbued me with the same feeling -

No.

Shake it off,
close your eyes,
look within.

But the train zips and curves,
and everything is moving too fast, but nothing is actually moving within.

I try to envision every one in the world frolicking in flower fields, and dancing wildly in the mid-summer heat.

Then I think, I wonder if that could ever happen?

How does one get pulled from not knowing to KNOWING?!

Isn't this my work?

soul work at it's core,

and yet I can't even look at the sad, depressed, hardened faces on the subway anymore -

it tears at me.

They tear through me.

He said, "you are a slut.."
as I walked by,
and now streets are not safe to walk down anymore,

because voices are loud, and louder than my own.

Own this voice!

Own this body!

Own this beauty that I know and know to my depths!

And when I said, what is the point anyways, it pained me more than I knew possible,
since I don't want to become hardened like the rest.

These wonder eyes, are wonder-filled for reasons,
and they twinkle and glow in all light,
even at night,

even when you say terrible things,
even when you smell like piss and cat hair,
even when you can't find boundaries since nobody taught you,

and this that truth.

soul work is work,
and I go to work everyday,
do you?