Feb 20. Day 1.

Rain srop splatterings and all I can hear is the troubles of all sureounding me.
Dissolve the sickness - dead beat spirit- what has us all learching inside and why dows bobody amile authentic smiles anymore.

We don't want to be here.

It's wet and cold
Inside and out

And all I can hear is your voice within me-and you bring sunshine to this dreary moment.

I am tired and want to hug you.

Unsure of the authenticity in which I an showing up and how do I be here in this place when I rather feel estranged from the emotions!

Gnarly knots come undone in this energetic field -
So don't worry it will come find you and soon!

Gentle dream wanderings and maybe everything will be okay afterall!

We really can't tell now and the rain and the wind are suggesting a big shift -
But how and when ?
And that is all.

Teeth drop out of mouth like candies into coin hands and
I'm remembering and forgetting everything -
And so I will keep learning anew-
But the rain is triggering me in a way I didn't know I could be
I like ease and this is certainly not ease-
This is rush, this is cold, this is hard

Day 1 and my head is alive but body so sore and wondwring how much soree it will get before it all remembers how beautiful it can be
And then it does
What it always should have
And the rain subsidies
And warrior is once more branded easily upon heart

Here

And shush child
Nothing makes sense but this bungalow is shaking and a lot!

Amalgamation. Return. And reborn.

This giddy- heart bust feeling has me swirling in time and cravings and I won't look back now.
When we say we want things we make them happen
And then surely words flow out like sweet humming bird song
And they always said you sing well -

Well?

I leeched oit all the gunk - swore my broken beads into my leather pouch and stomped
On the feathers,
Still

Fear
Held
On

And then,
5
6
7
There was no more holding on to numbing - paralyzing - anesthetic thought

Drain

Low

Down

Gone.

And then zoom zoom back out I rode into your heart and swung on the trees and branches woth you
We hug more passionately now

Your lios lock my lips tighter

Your eyes gaze deeper
-
Somehow.

And this is all i've learned.

That fear is toxic
Anxiety the enabler
Caution is swinging on roped barefoot
And who knows -
Falling can be perfect
Or splat
And we just never know

How can we?

So jump, frolick and order mad expensive clothing online
Since happiness is heart truths and knowing what makes you skip again.

And your laugh makes me laugh
And your heart makes me smile
And you say to me, "I love it when you smile."

And then I want to cry, since hearing this is all I've craveand asking dor words is like pulling adult teeth
And yours are all grown up,
But teeth is metaphor for me all year
And I need more
And I asked
And I shared

And we challenge
And we pull
And we grasp
And we don't want to let go

And that's the sign right there

So I bought the wors, warrior, branded upon my breasts
And it seems only fitting,
And life is a gas
A blast
And a whole lot of mind thought and fog
And then
Suddenly it all clears
And makes sk much sense

And you feel like your truest self again
The self you thought you lost and never could have back,

The self that you thought coukd never amalgamate and co-exist in in this one body,

And then,
At once,
It's just all so clear and all so easy
And flowers and leather and really high heels are the thoughts of the night
And you,
You,
Sweet you,
Delight and excite
Throughout every night. 

Closure

Epidermis background and that's really all the texture there has been so far -
something cracked so deep

and the hole is mending

slowly.

---

Today I could not wake up.

No.

Another piece of me lost underneath the bed sheet - and it's always hard to find when the dreams of the night star you in them.

And oh boy did we speak.

Telephone chatter and I was curious.

but this has to stop.

We said words - forgot the damage that was made years ago-
and a thank you is all there is now.

Congrats we say -
we chose wisely.

Or maybe it chose us, and we had nothing to do with the anger or the kicking stomach.

I'd rather believe it never happened,
and it almost feels as if nothing did when your messages to me smell sweet like roses,
the ones that you picked from our yard and handed to me -
your romantic gestures always pissing me off since they didn't include money-

and now -
I miss them.

I never did miss you.

But anger hardens shells -
and something cracked yesterday,
and wide.

or maybe it's just that you are too good with words like you always were, and all this is facade and I don't know anything behind the curtain.

and yes, this too could be the feeling.

So I couldn't get out of bed since something is stirring in me.

Questions and motivations all so insecure
and I couldn't decide what street to go down yesterday so I just kept going straight since nothing was making sense- no nothing at all.

And then I came home and said, "do not over think things, live simply and with ease."

So I am trying to not think -
to not over think -
analyze all these emotions
since I am spinning and fast
and nothing got me grounded today besides the benedryl and I use it too often to cover my anxiety -

easy, easy, easy.

And I ask if I can read your writing -
and maybe is all I get,

and maybe is all I am feeling  from you right now for everything -
so unsure of what we are - and how we got this far.

And I only ever wanted to learn to breathe together -

but bitterness comes, and I feel it leaching,
and I love so much,
and the pain is there,
and if only I could communicate out of swollen glands and throat I would -
but I fear all that comes after -
and I keep saying,
there is never time.


Never time,
so I couldn't get out of bed,
since we had closure and it took 1.5 years
and my body is saying
wow.
finally.

let go.

breathe.
cry.
release.

swear.
throw things.

it's been so long -
too long of holding onto fire.

and I have to wake up to now -
now
now
now

or I fear it will be too late.