all the things that never salve

well. so so well.

And then there is the not so well.

And the in-betweens.

Always somewhere in the in-between. Of here and now, good and bad, sick and so very healthy.

I did the thing. I always do it.

I made my dream happen, and then I wonder, how do I keep it alive.

It's always there, I just need to keep it moving, towards, it's goal.

And goal-less has been a theme.

Stuck in the fear mode
stuck as the body is paralyzed
stuck in the I just don't care enough

but I'm pretty sure I do.

I care more than I've ever cared before.

Body is screaming to be held
Heart is screaming to give.

AND SHE IS.

And this where I just don't understand. I get so stuck in perfection, that I forget how far I've come.

I forget how beautiful everything is.

I am exactly where I wanted to be - and, it all feels so sad and confusing, and just so hard.

Wake up.

That's all I really need to do.

Just wake the fuck up.

Go move your precious body.

---

And I'm sad. I need community. I need affection that is hyperbolic.

It's all happening, but I feel so scared, still so not ready, even though I am SO ready.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING?!

Numbness as the dreams pop up.


oh so numb.

oh so dreamy.

oh so terribly mis-content.

Yearning still - and this is ok.

wondering why they never text me to hang out still...
I always seem to wonder this.

and all the things that never salve.

x

back in body.

back in body.

She holds herself up, right, and in this new shake down of life steps she is
complete.

Dancing in bedrooms with friends,

Clothing piled high, closet raids and bright lipstick
since, yes, she made it into her dream.

And she lives big.
bold,
sure of herself,

and others comment and ooh and ahh and say who is like you?

But she is only emanating the beloved of the beloved and there is none else.

---

back in body

and heart doesn't race or pain her to core.

trembles are lessened and she goes outside,
so easily.

She says, "I have plans, and then I have more"

and she writes them down in black ink and places colorful stickers nearby, since she can and it makes her smile.

---

back in body and work seems less of a drag -

earrings hang from her ears and something doesn't buckle within when the phone rings.

the grocery store is a delight and she races down aisles, throwing things in her cart.
Yes, she says,

today is good and yesterday was good and tomorrow will be even better.

grounded in store.

Grounded in body

---

Back in soul,
and body is in alignment with the higher power of her name.

She sings loud, takes long baths,
worries less about time, and future and now,

she eats without throat anger,
gunk has cleared.

---

It's hard to imagine a place and time where she lived so out of body, so in deep misery and concern.

The world was black and cold, and everything took far too much energy.

last night showed her on the ground, nobody wanted to be near her, or give her the answers.

She kept asking, yelling, trying so hard to understand what everyone else knew.

She said, "I've been sick, I've been sick, didn't you see, don't you understand, help me!"

But nobody would help.

---

Wake up and body is scratched to bits, uncertain of circumstances and how everything can fall so neatly back into place.

She wonders how one can feel such drastic emotions.

The high is almost as close as the low and in the zero point of almost touching there lingers this impenetrable feeling -
longing

of

something.

---

but she is back in body and the food tastes good.

the air is easy,
and the light doesn't sting.

ravenous for change

My gums are breaking -
Feeling what the teeth always felt but
Now

And this chest clenches at every glare and step too fast on the escalator ride
And I can't even tell you

Theu raced like jaguars to the source but source is not what I know
Where are you going!?
Why are you in such a hurry?

So i wait
And watch
And try not to ingest any of the karmic energy surrounding

I dig fitlessly in bag-
Hands reaching my teeny bottle of supposed support
Yarrow in essense and boundaries are tamed and caged

I said, I will wait until nobody is surrounding me. Then surely I will he safe

I drew bubbles around my core and he laughed at me as he squeezed theough it

And i laughed too.

When did I get so fucking sensitive?

The lights and the sounds are aching all parts of me

The food doesnt taste good anymore and it's all stress inside when I try to breathe  

She says, hold caution do not choke,like she doesnt trust this body she's lived in for 26 years.

How can she not trust that which just is?

So she cries at intervals in the day
When the black and white striped wall is too intense
And when lunch looks delicious but no, not today, not today since Something is so terribly wrong.

And she cries at the hand holding and hugs necessary to remind her that she is safe and to remind her that this isn't forever.

The gums don't bleed but they reek of sore spots and I recall too many memories where you held my teeth outside my body

And this gives real anxiety too.

It all does.

But today I ate a whole sandwich and progress is something
Even if there are many steps backwards before the breakthrough.

Nobody likes to be not in control.


My stomach is ravenous

It will be soon i say to it,
So soon,

But mot yet, today has been hard.

new moon in AV

The poppy pod shook in our hands,
ears remembering lifetimes and oh darling, how we must contain multitudes!

Seeds pouring into the deep red wine.
floating on the surface,
magic beings, black specks in a sea of Bordeaux.

She anointed my third eye with this mixture,
My body quivered,
There is more love to be given.

The angels sing to us, calling us from our depths.

Divine sparks lit in circles and the deep carnations spiraled beyond.

There is a temple,
and it could be you.

if only you let the light shine through the cracks in your foundation.

We stole stones,
held them to heart,
head,
vagina.

White light combing our insides and the world beyond fell away.

Deepening,
deepening to source.

Until the drum beats become your heart beats and your heart beat becomes the drum.

I wept as I returned all grief to soil,
we are only vessels,
moving energy within and without.

It is clear,
too clear to me now.

and remember the deep love within,
and remember your name,
your archetype and your month.

Who are you dear sister? Where do you show up for us in this circle?

The sweet smell of rose water awoke us all back into this dimension,
chocolate treats and candies grounding us down.

down.
down,
to mama,
and perhaps farther.

Where is the body if it is not lost fully within you?!

The moon didn't shine tonight, the air is wet, the dark is strong.

When I wept, the skies opened up

we couldn't be more connected,

like the snapped twig,
and my twitch.

step slower into the month of AV,
breathe in and let the toxins ride out into the sweat glands.

We don't need anything else but these remembrances,
and then some.

prayer, or something more?

Prayer is you here with me, hands held, heart racing less than it usually does.
You love my hands on your stomach, my head on your chest.

In my dreams, I am always in a field, full of flowers, prancing, somewhere...

You are never with me, but somewhere beyond, holding space for all my play and pray and awe.

In my heart you are always brightening, learning, evolving into your truest self.

In my hands, you are whole, even when you acknowledge uncertainty and frustration.

I sometimes wonder, could we ever hold ritual together,
What would it mean to honor and behold divine, if we were bringing her majesty in at the same time.

And then I think, I don't need you to bring it, just honor me, as I hold space for all the love in the universe.

This is the quest of body, soul, mind and action.
Actually, I was just going to do, and not ask, and I'd rather not ask, but tell, and you just have to honor me, as you do, forever.

I am not so different, but I see awe in the fear and the fear in the awe and I live in a constant state of all the veils co-mingling.

When you hold me, we sway, somewhere, maybe not even together, but our hands don't ever want to part, and your eyes always glow for me, although I'm still not sure you really do notice.

And if you did notice, you might be scared.
Because reality is racing fast, and you are still in the driver's seat, and I still stare excitedly out the window as the trees pass by and as you graze my thigh I think many thoughts,
and words try to escape my lips,

but I never let them,

because then more than prayer would escape,
and maybe we can't hold it, while we drive too fast on the highway.

Look me in the eyes,
hold my body and my soul,
and whisper sweetness,
whatever you feel,
anything to say to me,

What your eyes do everyday.

Beloved.

I close my eyes and a million screams storm from my sacral core.

No,
No
No
NO
NOO

louder and louder and louder than before.

Reverberations of generations, energy tingling,
loosening?

Nerve endings uncertain.

I close my eyes and try to remember when it all closed around my deepest yearn

and all I see is black,
and you begging me, filled with concern,

"There is so much to protect!"

Yes.

I close my eyes and try to listen to the cells within, the ones that know all my answers before I ever do,
the ones that say, 'listen to me! I know how to untangle!'

But the cells are muted,
something is off.

My ancestors screamed fears out of me,
haunted and tortured by pleasure-less acts,
and I sit in the office,
questioning everything,

since I am so far removed,
but you live inside me,
and nothing can be changed without acceptance.

What do you not want me to know?!
What do I not want to know?

What is this control that takes over, so afraid of the full rush of life within!

And so I close my eyes and cry.

And release is release but it's not been waterfall gush as I anticipated, as I wrote for us,
for me,
for my own healing.

Passion and heartbreak are one thing,
but this is life-force energy,

and I need to re-think.
---
I called you beloved,
because you are the only one who can make me feel so solidly certain in this world.

remembering the rock and the stars and my body melting on it so purely in love with your divinity.

Call me lover and I will remember.

I am inside of you, as you reside in me.

xo

musings.

The moon glows in the corner of my bedroom,

resting on moroccan pillows,
black tassels and copal.

I toss and turn in bed,
air is blasting but I prefer the cool, sweet heat of the summer's eve.

A birdcage sits on my table,
marigolds within.
I'm wondering how to make something flutter and fly that doesn't believe it can,

and then you.

You are sitting far off,
slumped over screen,
head heavy,
uncertain,
waiting.

And I am here in the moonlight glow,
when your mind is ready to be taken to another land.

The land where we believe in miracles,
where my marigold chains dance circles to the drum beats,

always in the far off distance.

yet
I suppose I take you there anytime we hold hands,
or caress your olive skin on mine.

-

The buffalo holds strength, that is why I shot it and pulled out it's teeth.

It's always yearning for what the other holds,
but this time,

I am laying on the fertile ground.

held

So deeply held by mama and by papa, and by the mystical glow of the plastic moon.

-

So remember me when we might not be so entwined.
When your heart beats fast next to another's or
when you catch a glimpse of a too-ripe rose.

I am in it, within it,
loving you always.

-

Two yellow butterflies swirled in the noon-day - chasing each other out of pure delight,
I watched with dreamy eyes, unsure if this was a planned show just for me.

And I rather hope it was, since little moments of full surprise cease when we stop to recognize them,
and I will always recognize you in your yellow hue.

-

She always said she was happy,
but now I am starting to bite those words.

And my teeth are not as strong as the buffalo's,
jaw clenching, wondering if maybe, these were the wrong words.
Swallowing black chunks of anger -
where do they go if they do not rest on the tongue?

How does one spit fire and not get burned?

What does it feel like to not hold tension in the throat?

And so I have to backtrack many moons,
following this pattern to source,
asking my ancestors why they blew themselves up from the inside,

and I fear the answer will be the only one I know.

fear.

-

So when the moon is new, baby circles in the sky, darkness swallowing all light,
there is room for change, again.

We can blame her, but we cannot change her.

and

these are the musings for this Saturday.

light pinks

Light pink hues and sugar crystals on my chest.

I could tell you that I've been here before, and have seen the transition of love and honor,

but I haven't.

This is new.

I learned today that I am better than the sum of my parts and always have been,
but now I know it.

This is the secret:
Slow down.

divine love comes slowly and beautifully through the open window,

so open your window!

and this heart.

caged hummingbirds and don't you know you must remember

When things shift they shift so far you can't remember where you came from.

And I don't want to remember,
but I hosted parties two weekends in a row,

and people enjoy.

Laughs and food and sometimes something so simple as a hug.

It's all so different now.

And I still invited you, 2.5 years later, and anxiously awaited your arrival.

And some things never shift.

The light is dimming,
and people are gathering,
and cigarette daydreams keep me in a nostalgia of something I never had,
but could have.

This dream.

My dream.

Today was exactly what I wanted.

Even when the sun forgot to rise,
even when the sun forgot.

You see,
It's not about the other and my work and my change is so extreme.

So beautiful.

You are so beautiful.

You are still so god-damn beautiful.
---
I woke up restless.
Your body warm against mine, yet we both tossed and turned until I could not take it any longer.

There is a racing heart. It needed to move.

You wake up 2 hours later,
to see how to help,
or if you are one.

You confuse me, my love.
You confuse me in the best way possible.

You say to me, I've captured you, and I love when you hold me tight - taught -anything!

What a day of motion.

Of dreams of hummingbirds and the cutest little puppies - and parties together - we all chase something adorable or we let something beautiful go - it depends on how much you love it, I guess.

You should never keep the rare hummingbird in a cage...
and we all know this.

You know it more than me.

tears now.
and I think we know why,
but when people come back into my life, people as special as you dear soul,
it makes everything come back into question,  it's just the same feeling as when I saw your face gaze upon mine,
in the late Spring, at the farm, with the candles, and the song.

And maybe that's just a side -story.

It helped me though a lot you know,

but you don't know.

Or maybe it will all catch up to be one.

one.

one.

or none.

time keeps us heavily aware of things that happened and things that never will,
but somewhere in between this mystery is something so intriguing,
and I will dance this beautiful dance forever, whether you dance with me or not!

April. Twenty.

The needles pinched behind my ears,
stagnation,
phlegm,
bloody words,
mixed emotion.

I tremble as I write,
truths.

When I call you,
it's like nothing has changed.

I need change.

We say, you have healed this shattered heart,
but no,

I healed this shattered heart.

You held me,
as I glued the pieces,

but I turned on the hot glue gun and went to work.

You did not.

You do not know what I went through, you don't ask me about it,
you don't really ask me about much,
ever.

So I keep talking to fill the spaces,
and silence is nice,
and your words would be refreshing, if ever they learned how to play in the light,
but they won't,
for a very long time,
and I don't wait for miracles.

It's waiting for sunrise at sunset,
and we might just be more opposite than alike,
even though we both like nice things and laugh a lot,
together.

Wondering,
when,
you will make me a priority...
and also so excited for your growth,
and change,
and so understanding of why
you are less involved.

It doesn't seem like a worthy excuse though,
and I'm lingering on it,
since I see your habits.

and you could call me
or something
like that,

but like I said before,
nobody uses the call button anymore,

and I am craving a fucking good tiki drink,
but nobody reads what I love anyways,

so would you know?


craving more,
craving something that is so beautiful I can't even imagine,
and then knowing that it will be like that someday makes it all feel a little less pressured filled,
since I am here,
so beautiful,
so loved,
so full,

in this moment.

so stop with the worry and the mind games,
since life doesn't work that way,
it works in alignment in balance,
and I need to balance myself,

as I am,

this week,

knowing that even if it all toppled  I could still walk straight on this tightrope, and I'll never fall again like I did, because I know what I need,

and I know what my heart looks like broken,

and even more-so,
what it looks like whole!