Fire and fairies

Mcnab Cyprus resin, florets from the manzanitas and white sage growing abundantly underneath.
I followed bellybutton through your enchanted fairy filled forest to a clearing.
The sun was setting. White sage rising from the wet land.
A heart was formed by someone else's hands with these wise rocks.

I followed gut to source of love.
Symbols and more and this is the calling.

Behind me a loud noise.
Wild cat perhaps, I look around.
The other priestesses are near, yet, this is my alone time.

No, flutter, we shall not be afraid.

And up above in the tree top, sipping on golden nectar, a hummingbird.
Vibrant wing flutters, loud mouth lover, passion drools from her,
Again and again we find ourselves in celebration together.

And then I didn't want to be alone.
So I told you we could find more fairies and we hopped and stepped lovingly through your left-brain path.
Sunset and moon rise.
Father, mother, earth and sky.

Pink, purple, red, and black.

Sinking in to the unknown.

More chocolate.
Many words exchanged.

Fire circle.
Too many songs I don't know.
Stars and Jupiter.

Vulnerability.
The whole entire world is in the weaver's hands,
I think I'll follow the abundant string,
Don't be afraid of it.

Don't be afraid of it.

Don't be afraid. 

The gift

I stood by the maiden, she said, "no, sweetness, I am not what you need right now. Go journey towards the queen, her medicine is potent, your heart is ready!"

So I bowed low to the queen, her pine needles in my hands, and I said, "ouch."

But remembered your voice cooing us, saying, " let them be symbols before your eyes..."

Gold imprints on my forehead and you said, "this way isn't easeful, it is hard and it can hurt"

Yes, Queen.

"I have seen you journey through the mountains to find me, now you are here, you are ready to receive. "

The angelic voice of healing began her orgasmic hymnal, tears now streaming through me.

I am ready.

You lay upon my head a crown of Rose thorns. Only the branches and prickers.

I wonder where the flower is.

And then in my hands you place a single rose, it is red, it is small.

I look at it and it starts to grow, petals shifting, blossoming, multiplying until my hands are filled with a full bouquet of roses in all your magestic colors.

This is my gift:

To know that sacred strength means owning the power of the thorn. My hands are abundant with beauty, alchemizing the ordinary always into the extraordinary.

I kiss your stone, your feet, your truth.

You've blessed me on this day.

I've been welcomed in and initiated into the queen-dom by the highest and holiest queen herself.

My body lays prostrate, no, stand up tall and wear this crown proud. Nobody needs to see it, but I will know it is there guiding my choices, holding my strength. 

Wisdom

Like throwing heads over the the city walls?
Something like that, it's about feeling the pulse of the society.
Truth seeking, owning, being courageous and unafraid.

Oh, I think I get it.

She is a tree of life, she has been here since before creation, playing with the globe, bouncing and tumbling and watching it fall and form.

So we sit watching you tell us stories of wise women before you.

Honored and honoring.

The lunch bell has rang.

More nourishment or maybe just a filler.

YOU OPEN UP THE GATES OF TIME

Shaking.
Quaking.
Head banging.
We scream out to you, as the drum beats faster, harder, deeper into our souls.

Welcoming the evening, the new day.
Honoring your distinctions,
Day and night rolling backwards, light and dark mingling in this bliss.

Our bodies are thriving, writhing, beating out truth.

YOU OPEN UP THE GATES OF TIME!

And then
Roaring laughter.

Medicine.

Pureness.

The alchemy of childlike delight.

And my body is a circus.

We've confirmed it.

Rocking and rolling the smiles widen, the giggles and ibbigablibbgan.

Leftovers.

What has goddess gifted you today?

Sisterhood and widening perspectives.
The doorway is wide open and the threshold is near.

It clicked today for her, and soon, yes, soon it will click here too. 

The Fool

But be careful where you bite your tongue, there is medicine in all of this.
The wind rattled our cabins last night, the pot is being stirred.
I knew it would happen, I just didn't know it would be this early.

Tired eyes and ears touched by too high elevation.

If you forget to sing and laugh you have lost the whole purpose of prosperity.

They fed us greens but my stomach is ravenous.
What am I hungry for?
Certainly something far deeper than that lemon ginger chocolate bar.

Surrender.

Appointments have been made now let that beautiful body rest.

Let it all go.

Since we know in truth we are perfect in every form and these feelings are perfect too.

We laughed together but not enough, my wholeness not completely filling up the space between where bone meets muscle.
Breathe in me more.

When I close my eyes and see the breath it's candy colored, circus themed. Acrobats and trapeze artists, cotton candy and jello. I believe this is my insides.

I forgot mini gummy bears, those are there too floating around my head, but you remember that don't you?

We dipped latex hands in bleach, I still reek of latex...

We cuddled on the the floor the four elemental candles lit before us, the queen stands tall on her wooden altar.
The wise woman is behind me, her mossy branches long and strong.

And the fool, she is dressed in bubblegum pink. She hands out toys and condoms, she invites us to play.

We are afraid of her liberation. We are inspired by her liberation.
She holds irreverence, she does not know but trusts in the zero space between when it all seems to end and the bud reborn.

She giggles and trips us as we walk through her doorway, turn us inside out and it's not just joy it's necessity.

Play goddammit, play!

So our tired eyes reach out for her but she has gone.
We cannot find her, her elusiveness tricked us again.

No, we must not hold on to her but rather find her within ourselves.

And we energy work-shopped our bodies, I am grounded, I am whole.

Oh to be in wonder with the sacred.

Oh to fool and trick and delight in nothing and everything!

Bliss is the prayer, the only prayer.

So cartwheel into blissness - it is time!

Saliva on Pine

The daffodils are in bloom.
My sinus aches, it never does.

I thought the frequency has changed, now I'm not so sure

And yet,
I am here.

This community of priestesses, lovers, ecstatic beings.
This community of mourning women, queens, wise elders and fools.

We brought down the moon last night in ritual.
Shared our collective dreams into the basket upon waking.

Allah, Allah, allah we chant, because God is oneness and this is the work.
Listen all who wrestle with higher powers, those who try to make distinctions and are afraid.
There is only one God, the God of all creation. All is equal, all is love.

We broke the barriers, shattered walls on our red tapastry. Sufi drummers and dear beloveds.
She asks if she has permission to whirl,
Granted.

So she does.

The room is rising, but we have no walls since they broke them down.
We are weeping tears of joy, grief and praise.

This is the healing.

And as I venture out to the sun I realize I have no words to pray.

So I spit on a pine needle, my hangnails burn.

That's all it is I say to my self, "saliva on pine,"
It never makes sense
Until we breathe together
And there is no difference
Between us.

Shams is the dear friend.
We are the messiah.

"Pretty Outrageously Hot"

The aftermath:

Pink confetti on pavement, plan B and somebody is holding your head as you weep.

No.
Not for me.

Boundaries were set, I cleared my test.
In this growth I know intrinsically what will be good for me and what is just smoke and mirror tricking me into self-worth.

Of course, it would have been fun.
It always is,
But then the headache and joint pain later.
The tired eyes and the text that never comes.

So I delighted in the hunt, transparent about intentions.
It made it so much better to be honest.

And I really racked up a list of potential lovers.
This time I really am sad this place isn't for me.

I said, "I like your hair"
Invitations to wine and you and all I could do was smile.
Since that's how it goes now.

Yes, it's still covering up a hole that needs to be fixed with inner soul work,
And it's blowing up my courage and self-esteem.

If we all try to stay honest we could really make something happen.

You told me I was stunning.

All I can do is say, "thank you."

I'm beaming from within and soul radiance is certainly pretty outrageously hot. 

The truth cavern

The deep desiring is real.
Sprinkles look better rainbow colored and this city is full of crack junkies and smells of piss.

Something feels off, more so than usual.

It's -8 degrees across the country, frozen light switches but warmer bodies.

I'm stuck in my own stuckness and it's not going anywhere if I don't let it.

Sick of moving. Sick of leaving. Sick of not owning my own space where happy habits flourish.
The sink here is rusty, the floor covered in dust, the kitchen hasn't been cleaned, and I say to myself, "if I lived here I would clean, I want a place to call home."

Remember we take care of the things we love.

My breast is swollen, head bursting, oh dear lord, what trauma we've moved through.

Yes, the desire is real, I'm not texting a love mush to anyone, I'm sending it straight to this soul within, saying, darling dearest you are more gold than any sugar plum I ever ate. You are majestic and glory crowned. You taste of fresh picked mushrooms, exotic specialties, stars and mochi. Your eyes glow radiant, your heart a chrysanthemum lei, your lips are tinged with champagne that's why they effervesce on my tongue. Words to you are friends from other countries. You love with your whole being, you sing like the moon full and round. In you I've found my mansion and my shack. In you I so delight and giggle. Some days all you see is a cracked mirror and knotted rope but I am here to tell you to look closer, look inside, be inside, live in the luscious caverns of your soul, this is the truth palace, this is the comfort you so desperately crave. It's home and it's g!d, now what else would you like to know?

Eat a donut, but fill the hole

An old wound but the scab is gone.
We drove past our old streets, no tingle, no remorse.

Numbness hit, a chill of too many unsaid words and then the pounding headache only Rosemary can cure.

Resulting in this present day: sun-filled, splattered in pink and red, sprayed roses in windows and mushy love oozing out all over the place.

And this is my love: holding strong and intentional boundaries, fearlessness, boldness, entering into the unknown knowing, smiles at strangers and welcoming in new faces.

There is birth, there is miscarriage.

What is it I want to see through?

Who do I want to be as I see it through?

Every moment a decision: dicernment still wraps around my right wrist, it's getting tattered, it's helped so much.

Questioning intentions. Lack of determination, contentment and depression. Sometimes they mask each other, I never quite can tell.

So the Sunday morning farmers market will be filled with lovers holding hands but those hands that fit snuggly hold so much within.

Pain, attachment, fears of abandonment, idol worship.
And some,
Wonder, creation, blissfullness, dreams, abundance.

We just never know, so calm the mind, eat a donut and adorn yourself.

Love is only love if it feeds you to the core, and my stomach is rumbling,
I've got inner work to do.

Modern Day Love

NOW NO BOUNDARIES ONLINE

AGE 25-33

PLAYERS

DEBAUCHEROUS, EDGY & TRUE LOVE

FRIDAY NIGHT

8:00PM

I LOVE HANDS ON THAT HARD BODY

NEVER A DROWSY NIGHT

---

is this love in the modern age of app dating?

Testing, testing 1,2,3

Images in my head of having to contact you and say, 'oh hey, hope you are well, I've got something to tell you...'

But what?!

My body is clearly in need, something is off and it started when it got near you.
Symptoms are just symptoms but when put against fact and Internet all I get is confusion.

So I went to someone who might know, they do not know.

I tried the dreaded test, it said horizontal my ass, goody goody, cries on carpet but somehow I question accuracy and lack of certain substances within.

Fuck.

I wish it was clear.

Still waiting on other tests, I'm in here cuddled up, shooting hopes out on a whim and it's nothing big it can't be. I'm not that stupid am I?

So she said maybe it's you being pissed off, what are you anxious about?
So much.

And it could be that but neon orange is flooding now, maybe it's just reflex, maybe something more, but I'd really like to know and I'd really not like to have to finish that sentence to you...

No, no.

If I call you it will be for pleasure not for business.

And let's keep it that way.

Learning always, I'm so awed by the compassion, wondering what will be, but worrying certainly won't change it.

No, it never does and we always assume the worst anyways, now don't we?

Idolatry

shit.

How feeble are our minds?

Images, snapshots, fuzzy pixalations of who I made you up to be.

All of you are idols on pedestals.

You look so good up there so I don't dare ask any more.

Wait, I played this game and it burned my skin.

I want to break things.
I want to kick you off that throne.

Head overly consumed. And everyday another you.

Shit.

"Do not worship false idols"

"Return to me," you say. I can hear you whispering in my ear.

It's just a fun little day dream, I try to console myself.

But I only dance in my underwear when I think of someone else,
And I only go for the sexy ones.

Shit.

I'm shopping in the puja store, head covered, eyes shut and saying rah, rah...it's just for fun.

Be careful with those matches sweetheart, burning flesh smells pungent and not the orange zest kind. 

The star

I
Saw you on stage.

Said in my head, " I would like to know you ".

I
Saw you on the screen.

Said in my head, " I would still like to know you ".

Then somewhere else on another screen and in another head you said, "I would like to know you too".

Simplicity, even though I swiped miles for those blue eyes.

I told you were attractive and how talented I thought you were.

It got me a cheers and an invite to your next show.
You're the lead and I'm wishing I could be in the audience watching you kill yourself and knowing he's thinking of me.

Whoa.

Moments, and I'm on fire.

Girl talk

She kisses me on the cheek.
Since we are girls and it's easy for us to say we like each other.

I knew the minute I saw her.
I'm always friends with the girls with dreads.

So she smiles and we talk herbs and invasives
We look at each other say we've known each other a long time
And we just might have.

Now we look at pictures, sunsets and old paintings.

I miss the sisterhood and jealousy is real.

whiskey + coffee

Insomnia is killing my friends.
Late nights, mind whirling and whiskey in the open bottle; we have an epidemic.

I never knew.

Crowdsourcing this one out, and it seems social media has it up close and personal.
They are spilling their insides, and I thought I wanted to know, but do we ever fully understand someone?

We can lie next to each other. I'll be curled up on my side, you on your belly, but will I ever know what you are thinking?

I could say, "a penny for your thoughts," even though I don't pick up found pennies,
and you could say something splendid or rather quite dull, but it's not the whole.

What makes connection?

I'm figuring it out clearly that there is more to us than we can even expose, so what are you hiding?

I find I'm attracted to destructive behaviors, no no, I'm attracted to men who are attracted to destructive behaviors, they are attracted to me since, well,

I'm so different.

I saw in that blurry text last night you said I was rare.
Then a bunch of  childish emojis.

I stalked your twitter, all I found was capri-sun, oreos and dino-nuggets.

It all makes sense but it's terribly unnerving.

Coffee and whiskey is keeping this country alive,
and it's killing my friends.

4:30am and I am asleep, but all over the world, I have connections with men who are awake, wide-eyed and mind consumed.

Is it all of them or is something terribly wrong?

The wording is contrite, since it's so conceptually unclear.

I'm deeply concerned yet I still want to hold your body close to mine to see if they can learn to breath in sync.

Cravings are just cravings anyways, then the anticipated bitterness that arrives after the storm. 

Trying this on for size

Intrigue, splashing in puddles, organic transitions, belly-laughs, wild+raw, wonder, starry nights, fucking good tiki drinks, turning fear into awe, roller skating, binging on life, sensations, flower farms, stories.

Does anyone use the 'call' button anymore?

Organic Transitions

I wrote:

Luscious, Organic, Vibrant, Evolving.

The playful balance of silly & serious

organic transitions

and

then that
spark.

I finished my puzzle, and it took longer than expected.
I knew the picture, but there were surprises and so much black.
It didn't matter, each piece looked different than it should and sometimes one space held two.

hm.

Sometimes it just fits though, you look at the space, and you look at the piece and you know.
You just know.

It's organic
and the transitions are so fluid you are not even aware they are there.

Dancing barefoot on the tax forms
or
something like that.

Chocolate

Last year when the weather was mild and our hearts still connected, I licked a gluten-free brownie sandwich off your lips.

flash backs now, and it's terrifying.

The year before you bought me 2 pens in colors I didn't want.

I'm not even looking for a face to sit across; I just want to wear lace and lick chocolate off of myself.

One slice of chocolate mouse cake took me three days to get through.
Lava cake with raspberry ice cream came first.
The champagne truffle tasted like acetone, and I bought organic hazelnut chocolate spread since the granny panties told us to. Don't understand? You wouldn't.

"It's about pleasure and learning to receive it"

The doctor told me it ran in my family, 48 generations of women who never felt pleasure and

fuck
us
all,

I think the problem was it never was enough.

I stop mid-way, body does not understand sensations.

Look at me, smile, laugh, isn't that what pleasure is?

Some people look to aphrodisiacs, some people to porn, some people to chocolate;

I've tried them all.

Last year when the weather was mild and our hearts still connected, I dragged you out to buy me ice cream. You had $20 left in your bank account, $20 to your name. We ordered Rose Ice cream, and a gluten-free brownie sandwich with a jasmine center.

I licked it off your face.

We laughed.

It still wasn't enough, and it's coming back in flash backs now.

So I only ate chocolate this morning to forget and then to remember again.

Re-wiring it's called, with pleasure as the end-goal,
rose and wings and sometimes jasmine,
but isn't it always that way?

Flat faces

They all cough, there must be something in the water.

"It is a luxury to work with beauty everyday."

We all were running inside, outside the sun was shining. We looked out from the glass.

How superficial are we?

We dab for blood; is it enough?

"Laughter is the lovers way"

I'm sick of the flat photographs.

I woke up at 12pm.
Somethings are just so hard.

It's so exciting to see myself as a strong independent woman.
"People really like you"

So that's the plan.

Be myself.
Share my smile.

It's never made more sense.

But there is still something red in the water, it's killing the fish and texting flat faces is killing me.

A wild romance

Start here.

Where is the Crimson?
Do not be afraid, we are always flowing from source, and this is no different.

We caught ourselves in a wild romance.
Inhibitions flew like leopards over the Sahara and your touch sent shivers.

Suppose the new day cleared our memories but you still think of me in your snow-globe.

Yesterday you crawled out of your little world, sent me a text, and crawled back in.

I'd prefer your eyes dancing with mine, the way you held my hand so confidently, those lingering kisses.

Some days it feels it was all a dream.

I think that's how all the good memories end up.

Wildly romantic, surfing on clouds and cotton, and hearts forgetting pains, if only for a moment.

I'm told, 'love with no object'

And I would, since the bitterness afterward is a strong enough abortative.

Try the parsley they say...it's sweeter than the yearning.

Some days it just feels like a joke.

And here I am, drinking tea, learning to be social, and pretending my anxiety is far less than it is.

It's one for the books we say, and then we remember all the giggles,
And wishes leap. Since some romances have longer courses and I still dream of you.

Yes, I am human, attachment took hold and let's hope that's all that stuck.

Kiss

Keep it simple.
Kiss.

Winter has been warm,
I splash in waves, gazelle streaking,
Crashing my body in and out, and when your sky bleeds pink and melts with that perfect orange, I hold my arms out to your beauty and then let you wash me away.

I froze my body
Since starting anew is the best part of the cycle.

It seems I'm starting over everyday.
It seems that's the best way to think about it.

What is love?

I just want to feel and something real.

Oh, wait, I just did.
And it was raw and you look so, so good.