fractured tooth

It's only supposed to happen in dreams.

broken teeth,
lost teeth.

Like they shared with me last summer.

But nerve pain is here and real this time.

fractured tooth and something is saying this isn't a coincidence.

Last night I dreamed quite absurdities.

Missed flights - doctors - wrong ways - late for the intro - familiar faces - Israel - chubby men -
money exchange -

The past is the present and why do I keep thinking I'm going on a big trip that I never signed up for?

It's so real it's more than dream.

So the slice inside my tooth is reminding me of how close dream and reality truly are,
but this change is so good.

I might be split, but heart is whole.

He said, "I might want to move."

My heart sunk, but I could not say anything negative.

We are all but passing ships in the night and I know the truth of the truth.

I open up to all the hard dreams, and strange days, since I look out the window and see trees swaying in the breeze and I just have to say, "Wow, I am alive!"

This is gratefulness and I surrender to your beauty and your plan.

"Don't want to reason about the one I love,

"

Yes.
all yes.

wine lips // nude lips

Your salty smell -

Hair waves in the sea mist and lavender oil, like I wrote in my "favorite things."

finally.

wine lips coated today - only for this mirror, but soon, world will see.

nude lips coated today - bare it all they say, then we will be free.

the eyelashes always speak louder with help and I finally said, "yes, I am ready again to see this beautiful world."

We had a picnic in my backyard.

doors are locked you see, and we are not allowed inside.

I would love you to unlock all there is to me.

sugar scrub these lips,
make them smoother than before -
communication and laughter,

we have the latter.

I coated my lips in wine,
since it means something so much to me,
and my hair braided looks like a goddess,

the one I am.

SoJa and Trevor,

whatever it takes to feel.

Packing,
but this time it's for me.

None of your shit,

or questions to blank space.

wads of cash in makeup bags,
and he said he likes sparkles and stickers.

Your salty smell and ocean is calling my long forgotten name.

wine lips and nude lips - it's been my story, and I need them now!

cling wrap and that old mess

wake up
same routine
but I slept 12 hours and still can't open these eyes.

I recall the sadness now,
I buried it deep,
but things want to break.

puddles and streams
and clawing at the hardwood.

Remembering something that I don't want to.

one year.

we last for hours now,
clinging but not cling wrap,

I said, "even if you wrapped me in cyran wrap, I'd still be messy and ooze all over."

But the mess has been cleaned, and finally.

playing house, and all the make believe.

I lied so hard,
in order to feel something big.

Now I feel,
and we won't ever lie,
no,
not again.

red lace

you woke me from my nap -

slumber parties are better with you -

suntanned kisses and freckles dotting my arms -

remember when we didn't even know each other?

bonfires, and someone makes us laugh -

I gave them all hugs -

lingered in between sleep to hold you tight -

morning trysts and you drive me to my car -

sun dance with me -

what shall we do on a day like today?

swim in each other

the waves are just water and I never told you that story-

maybe I will

someday.

rock climbing, water being, tell me a forever song.

window shopping, ice cream eating, forgetting we ever had to make plans in the first place.

You call me and wake me from my nap, but I'm dreaming of you,

and it all makes so much sense.

You say red, I say burgandy,
but lace is lace and I wanted you to see.

the golden year

I keep saying, "I just came back,"
like being here isn't good enough.

And I felt that inner critic starting to rant
when they came in today,
'Oh, you work here now?'

"Well, I just came back."

No
You
Didn't.

It's been a year of gold.

I am going to bury the last of it along Highway 1,
I am going to whisper my anger to the sand,
I will cry salt back into the ocean,
and I will say, "I've done it , holy hell, I've done it."

They say it takes half the time you've been together to heal,

well, cut it in half and I'm almost healed.

I can't breathe out of nose,
I'm dripping sweat,
I think perhaps you are a bit immature,
and then I think,

Oh, hello fear.

Not this time,
this time is happy.

We don't make rhino noses out of leaves, but maybe someday we will, or we'll be even more creative.

Everyone is doing something with someone else.

vague, and it feels that way.

Another you, another you, another you,

I can't even personalize it, since names mean more than we think they do,

and attachment is a funny word.

I want your body, and I want you, and they are the same thing to me.

It's all stressed out that we will be apart for so long, and I can't help wonder stupid thoughts.

No,
return to the trust, and the knowledge that holding on is like worrying,
it does only damage.

I see sparks and fireworks, and I can't attend your tangible party but we have them always and I thank G!d for moments when I can think of your name, and backflip inside.

I must bury my final wounds,
they do not serve me,
I am no longer slave,

boundaries galore
and I want to swim in you.

But this work I must do alone,
return to the scene of the scar,

and say,
"You do not control me now!"

Taste Test

Lucuma and green powder,
something feels right and it smells like the West coast.

I ran myself ragged,
8 hours, and then some.

I give and give,
there must be that hatred somewhere,
it's directed at me though.

All the money made goes to support the pain it took -
irony at it's best.

Thank you for the humor.

I think next time I'll take the stand up comedy show with you.

But we did that too...

And we cling really tightly, and say, "I will miss you so much."

Deportation.

No.

It's health and hunger.

The dream page is lingering, stuck on save, and I don't understand why these moments take me forever.

It's not fun.

fun is me and you driving to the pizza store.

When your eyes are closed I stare at you, wondering, who are you really.

Then you open them, and you smile, and I don't have to wonder anymore, I just know.

It's eyes that glisten.

It's Adrenal support,
It's hands on your back,
It's the red blood stain on your sheet,
and the hugs that come after,

since our bodies are craving the inside and you said i'm beautiful again.

Unlock
healthy dependency

and tell me I've picked a good tasting smoothie.

The Mountain

Revelation comes
and it writes a new story every year.

We cradled each other in our bodies warmth,
stayed up all night, learning
something new, something not allowed,
raw, un-censored, and saying to myself,

'yes, this is revelation.'

a year later, and I'm back in the same woods,
but my ear drops down to heart, and says, "He's the one"
so I freak out and think, "this must be it."

I never told you that, since I never wanted to believe it, but she seemed so convincing and revelation comes in all shapes and sizes.

I danced in the rain then,
whispered to the flowers and then shined my light,
since the lighting and thunder clap is never enough when the mountain is on fire.

Last year, I held your hand, and pulled you out onto the night street, so you could catch your panic breath. You were scared and anxious, like always, and you didn't like the sight of so many people worshiping something you know nothing about.

I led you to a Japanese restaurant, they sat us,
you ordered tea,
nothing else.

we couldn't afford anything,
not even the tea.

I held your hands and you thanked me for my comfort.
I had tears in my eyes, since revelation was happening and it was saying,
"No, you are certainly not the one."

We never returned to the song and prayer, since you always dictated the evening,
and I had no power, no, not then.

So as the clock nears 11pm, and all my tribe is meeting at the mountain soon,
I think to myself,"I must write, there must be a revelation here."

In this room, I sit, I lay and I stare.
The tv scribbles out nonsense and violence, laughter and I eat chocolate and sriracha chips and say that this is my healing.

We text about plans for adventure,
you are in your own bed, and I'm in mine.

Tears now, since I think this is the poignant point:

we must always do what is best for us, and us is the me and the hashem residing within.

I do not crave the external night time learning, since this night is teaching me how to listen to all the inner knowledge inside.
I climb mountains daily, and I witness the crackle of light as it's streaks coat the sky.

We sing loud together,
and you are confident.

I am too,
and this revelation day, I stand strong in my power,
rain may fall, but I will never melt the way I did before,

and we can remember those tent nights fondly, and think, "He knew so much, a true yid."

yes, and more yesses, we still love the one who opened my eyes, but we couldn't be together and no, hiding is no fun.

So today I laughed so much and even in sickness I am glad, since I am the happiest I have ever been and this in truth is Torah at Sinai.

Madly in love with the one who guides me,
showing me every facet of the prism, and I like the color I'm in now,

my friends we will meet again here, and who knows the lessons upon the mount,
but like I said before to your big brown eyes,
freedom comes with struggle, and this too is blessing in all it's forms.

the new default

The farmer's market awakens today, reminding me of so many summers tasteless and sacrificed to the god of perfection.

Nostalgia of something greater; that summertime choke, haunts me no more.

The other day we played bocce on your lawn,
whiskey and motion,
you won, just like you wanted to.

And before, we adventure.
The car, the music, the wind, the sunglasses, the dreams, your face.

Ice cream.

Succulents.

Garden stores and dribbling raspberry pie.

I can feel it, since it's here, and nobody can say,
'not this year, maybe next'

Alive,
I've crawled out,
re-set button launched.

Hey YOU,
Hey Babe,
Hey, maybe we could communicate deeper and then we could really know the sand and stars!

I ran the other day, lost my breath, cursed aloud and said, "how did I get this bad?"

I dreamed last night that I ran swiftly and smoothly around the track,
not winded, pure and easy,


pure and easy.

That is it, and it's happening here.

Wild and re-wild and then go to the farm market with me and pick out the reddest raspberries.

I'm done with the old tale of pretend.

This is now, and it's here, and I don't lie anymore to make myself feel better.

Abs and all the thrusts,
say you love me,

whoa.

and many words in-between.

California is calling my name,
and I'm uncertain in that placement, but the waves soothe more, and maybe I'll ride by myself to the warm breeze.

perhaps, this time,
I will live exactly how I have always wished.

Maybe this becomes the default.

Welcome.