eyes shutter, body quakes,
he twitches his whole body once -
but mine is twitching all day long.
There is that motion being set - and my body is stretching so thin from passiveness + stillness.
Come, to source, it whispers always, but I cannot go, when there is so much unknown -
and I never was scared of unknowns,
but in this too familiar room,
they eat me whole.
I turn on the bright light tv to soothe -
it makes me cry -
I do not want to have tears in my eyes every time I see the sun -
And yet the sun makes me tear for far too many reasons to explain here,
and I know this too.
Chocolate milk coats my tongue,
I do better now with communicating truths,
but fear is fear and I am fearful of the fear and the intense knowing that the fear would just dissolve if only I allowed it too-
ah.
The typing really does do wonders, and today I said, maybe I need to care more, but then I said,
I say that every day,
and I stayed inside -
ate a lot -
and stared aimlessly hoping the numbing would come -
it didn't.
My body is impervious to numbing,
unless you needle my gums.
shit.
It's like I had found it and then let go all too quickly to even know what was in my hand -
it could have been a butterfly or a beetle or a poisonous rat.
I saw a butterfly hatch in my hand once from a golden cocoon.
I thought it was magic -
the turner of days making my eyes dance
but no, it happened.
we cried together as I said I was scared and then the butterfly was born and even those orange and black wings couldn't save me from my sadness,
nor could you.
I sometimes think about your long hair, the way you massaged me gently, read me poetry and made me tea. When I think about you now I do not cry. I do not shake. I do not have fire rise up inside me wanting to gnaw you to the bone for all the pain I felt with you.
Now I just feel calm.
I feel gratitude.
I feel serenity.
I feel myself loving myself more than ever,
even when I feel like loving myself is the hardest thing to do.
This story is over.
I choose to quit it, to say, that is not my narrative at this current moment.
I say No to excuses of healing or the 'I am still bleeding from the internal wounds'.
Time has mended, and I must move on.
And I have a silky skinned man to cuddle up with now.
He is different, he smiles so brightly with his crooked teeth, the ones he popped back in after he crashed his head into the cement.
He eats chicken nuggets and coffee,
coffee and whiskey,
whiskey and bourban
and he smells so nice.
We laugh a lot together, and that was the goal.
I said, I want you, once I saw his face,
I always know when they intrigue me,
and I always know who holds my medicine.
He gives it to me subtly, in ways I may never understand,
It's sweet though,
it's full of ease,
and there is no manipulation.
I fear, but of course,
intimacy.
Since I look back on pictures and our smiles could have fooled everyone,
and they did.
You tried to mend something that was un-mendable and it was too late.
Finally you took me out,
finally you noticed,
but my stomach was screaming with every word you spoke,
and this is the truth about relationships,
They skin all flesh and bone.
They begin and they end so easily.
I try to focus on the now, but the end is searing my mind,
the when, the how, the who, the why.
And that stops me from releasing,
stops me from texting you when I want to,
stops me from giggling out how much love I hold inside for you.
five
seven
seven
seven
code, and all the numbers, but this is truly the only way to know.
present-ness.
now.
action.
be.
leave the place of comfort,
to be far greater than you ever knew possible.
I will find a home,
I will find a job,
I will find my fire within
again,
and it has nothing to do with the men in my life,
So I rambled on for nothing,
but I see it as mirrors,
and they mirror to me my insecurities,
and my beauties,
my losses and my gains.
I sit in bed curled up most days since it is comfortable,
and I admit it,
only to those I fully trust
and to you,
since the opening is the only way to leave,
to say, no,
not today.
today I want sunshine,
today I want movement,
today I want laughter with friends,
and a home that is my own.
This is the mantra,
the magic,
the must.
I hold my hand open and who knows what I catch next,
but I will hold it gently,
I will love it,
I will take care of it,
as YOU take care of me.
he twitches his whole body once -
but mine is twitching all day long.
There is that motion being set - and my body is stretching so thin from passiveness + stillness.
Come, to source, it whispers always, but I cannot go, when there is so much unknown -
and I never was scared of unknowns,
but in this too familiar room,
they eat me whole.
I turn on the bright light tv to soothe -
it makes me cry -
I do not want to have tears in my eyes every time I see the sun -
And yet the sun makes me tear for far too many reasons to explain here,
and I know this too.
Chocolate milk coats my tongue,
I do better now with communicating truths,
but fear is fear and I am fearful of the fear and the intense knowing that the fear would just dissolve if only I allowed it too-
ah.
The typing really does do wonders, and today I said, maybe I need to care more, but then I said,
I say that every day,
and I stayed inside -
ate a lot -
and stared aimlessly hoping the numbing would come -
it didn't.
My body is impervious to numbing,
unless you needle my gums.
shit.
It's like I had found it and then let go all too quickly to even know what was in my hand -
it could have been a butterfly or a beetle or a poisonous rat.
I saw a butterfly hatch in my hand once from a golden cocoon.
I thought it was magic -
the turner of days making my eyes dance
but no, it happened.
we cried together as I said I was scared and then the butterfly was born and even those orange and black wings couldn't save me from my sadness,
nor could you.
I sometimes think about your long hair, the way you massaged me gently, read me poetry and made me tea. When I think about you now I do not cry. I do not shake. I do not have fire rise up inside me wanting to gnaw you to the bone for all the pain I felt with you.
Now I just feel calm.
I feel gratitude.
I feel serenity.
I feel myself loving myself more than ever,
even when I feel like loving myself is the hardest thing to do.
This story is over.
I choose to quit it, to say, that is not my narrative at this current moment.
I say No to excuses of healing or the 'I am still bleeding from the internal wounds'.
Time has mended, and I must move on.
And I have a silky skinned man to cuddle up with now.
He is different, he smiles so brightly with his crooked teeth, the ones he popped back in after he crashed his head into the cement.
He eats chicken nuggets and coffee,
coffee and whiskey,
whiskey and bourban
and he smells so nice.
We laugh a lot together, and that was the goal.
I said, I want you, once I saw his face,
I always know when they intrigue me,
and I always know who holds my medicine.
He gives it to me subtly, in ways I may never understand,
It's sweet though,
it's full of ease,
and there is no manipulation.
I fear, but of course,
intimacy.
Since I look back on pictures and our smiles could have fooled everyone,
and they did.
You tried to mend something that was un-mendable and it was too late.
Finally you took me out,
finally you noticed,
but my stomach was screaming with every word you spoke,
and this is the truth about relationships,
They skin all flesh and bone.
They begin and they end so easily.
I try to focus on the now, but the end is searing my mind,
the when, the how, the who, the why.
And that stops me from releasing,
stops me from texting you when I want to,
stops me from giggling out how much love I hold inside for you.
five
seven
seven
seven
code, and all the numbers, but this is truly the only way to know.
present-ness.
now.
action.
be.
leave the place of comfort,
to be far greater than you ever knew possible.
I will find a home,
I will find a job,
I will find my fire within
again,
and it has nothing to do with the men in my life,
So I rambled on for nothing,
but I see it as mirrors,
and they mirror to me my insecurities,
and my beauties,
my losses and my gains.
I sit in bed curled up most days since it is comfortable,
and I admit it,
only to those I fully trust
and to you,
since the opening is the only way to leave,
to say, no,
not today.
today I want sunshine,
today I want movement,
today I want laughter with friends,
and a home that is my own.
This is the mantra,
the magic,
the must.
I hold my hand open and who knows what I catch next,
but I will hold it gently,
I will love it,
I will take care of it,
as YOU take care of me.
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