all the things that never salve

well. so so well.

And then there is the not so well.

And the in-betweens.

Always somewhere in the in-between. Of here and now, good and bad, sick and so very healthy.

I did the thing. I always do it.

I made my dream happen, and then I wonder, how do I keep it alive.

It's always there, I just need to keep it moving, towards, it's goal.

And goal-less has been a theme.

Stuck in the fear mode
stuck as the body is paralyzed
stuck in the I just don't care enough

but I'm pretty sure I do.

I care more than I've ever cared before.

Body is screaming to be held
Heart is screaming to give.

AND SHE IS.

And this where I just don't understand. I get so stuck in perfection, that I forget how far I've come.

I forget how beautiful everything is.

I am exactly where I wanted to be - and, it all feels so sad and confusing, and just so hard.

Wake up.

That's all I really need to do.

Just wake the fuck up.

Go move your precious body.

---

And I'm sad. I need community. I need affection that is hyperbolic.

It's all happening, but I feel so scared, still so not ready, even though I am SO ready.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING?!

Numbness as the dreams pop up.


oh so numb.

oh so dreamy.

oh so terribly mis-content.

Yearning still - and this is ok.

wondering why they never text me to hang out still...
I always seem to wonder this.

and all the things that never salve.

x